Cleaning Out the Friendship Drawer

 In blog, News

When I was little if there was stagnant energy in the house my mother used to say:

Go Clean out your sock drawer…

Being alone during Christmas is a time for me to think deeply about what I really do want in the coming year. Monday December 19th is my birthday, and I will go get a haircut, manicure and go to the North Carolina Arboretum to see the Christmas Lights.

This time of year gives me time to rethink about life. I love to review and look back. I take stock of what I focused on during the year. The highs, the lows. What I avoided, and what I embraced.

In 2016, I bought a new home in Asheville, NC. Got a new puppy, gained 30 pounds, moved away from punishing friends, and turned inside.

I began creating a home. And I decided that I did not want to continue selling my candles and jewelry. Not because I didn’t enjoy it, but because I didn’t want to hire a staff to maintain it.

I returned to my spiritual club, and stopped being “nice…”

Over a year ago, I was visiting with a friend who is a life coach. He asked me about my real dream. What did I really want… and I confessed:

I just want to make my living as a writer.

He balked – No one does that, it’s impossible.

I was angry.

I immediately recognized that he was my mirror, and one I had to change. In that moment our friendship ended. He didn’t know it. He had no way of knowing that I stopped caring about or liking him. My work was about embracing that part of me that had doubts and love it to a new recognition where I knew I could do this.

Then it hit me; there are still those dangerous demi-Gods out there – acting coaches who expect students to kiss their rings, Churches that torment people who try to leave and people who do not want you to succeed where they fail. I’ve come to understand they exist as checkpoints for me. I have learned to spot them, but more importantly, they no longer exist in my life.

That means that the most dangerous people in the world are those who try to censor you or try to usurp your gifts in any way. RUN.

It’s not that our words are always right, or our opinions are gospel. It’s that we’ve become a society where to disagree is to risk being ostracized. You’re an outcast if you don’t agree.

Let’s go deeper, shall we?

In Harriet Lerner’s book, The Dance of Anger, she states that the person yelling is not the one who is angry.

The Angry people are those who have been forgotten. Those who are told they can’t make a living as a writer, those who are told their voice doesn’t count.

The breaking point must be when anyone expects you to marginalize yourself so they can be superior.

I have another friend who is battling a serious illness alone; when I sent him a facebook anthology of a friend who was dying and reaching out, sharing his story and including others on his journey; he blasted me:

How could I be so insensitive?

He assumed I was thoughtless. When that was not my intention. Clearly my intention was misunderstood and since his blast had come in the form of a text…so it was returned in kind by me:

So sorry. That was not my intention. I apologize.

You may wonder why I never questioned my “coach” friend. My sense is that he is only coming from his own experience – there’s no point in trying to get him to see the underlying feeling. Why point out how much he resents me?

He does not make a living as a writer, so therefore it’s not possible for me.

Honestly, I spent my life chi trying to get people to see my perspective, and then one day I didn’t want to anymore. I’d rather observe and delete if necessary.

I took stock of my ill friend who I’ve known more than 20 years: he has never said a kind word to me. He has never once called to see how I’m doing or complimented me. If I say anything positive to him, he disregards it, then within a year or two “discovers” this the insight from another source, never once acknowledging my contribution.

What of my friend the coach? Same thing. His entire world is about processing those around him. I simply don’t want to be processed into a box he chooses. The unwritten code is: either I comply or I get cut out. No room for me. Time to say goodbye to any relationship that is not clean.

So why am I alone this holiday season?


I have two dear friends who live near me and both will be out of town. That’s fine. I’m still finding my way in my new town.

What I’m also doing is changing my internal reality. I’m choosing my Theme for the year. I’m prepping for my yearlong weekly journey with my CHAKRA WISDOM ORACLE TOOLKIT in January with my Intuitive Insider Club AND looking forward to taking that wonder-filled path with those who want to take it with me.

I am seeing where I envision my life next Christmas, and choosing my friends like individual heirloom Christmas ornaments. I now choose to be around people I can treasure year after year.

Being grown up means taking responsibility, it does not mean tolerating what I no longer vibe with or trying to change people who, for whatever reason only see me as the bad guy.

Love to all of you during Christmas. I’ll be snuggling with my pets, writing and watching Hallmark movies!




P.S. If our paths coincide… I look forward to connecting this year.

P.P.S. It’s not too late to get your Chakra Wisdom Card Deck or Toolkit for Christmas – Click Here

Showing 54 comments
  • ThatDamnBroad

    I got my deck awhile ago, and thanks for it!

    I totally resonate with this post and hallelujah to you and Merry Christmas for posting it. I was meant to see this post today at this perfect time. I almost could have written it myself!

    I will definitely be connecting with you more in the new year…now I must go get my Toolkit order in!


    • Amy

      Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Perfect timing for your words and experience. I feel like your story is mine as well. Your courage is incredibly inspiring. Much love and gratitude, Amy

    • Sunshower

      You truly stand up for your Truth, Tori. You are a testament and fine example to those who yet sit on the fence about same. Courageous and Soft, simultaneously. Nice combination! Blessings to the Ripple you are putting out there.

  • Peggy Pease

    Love you Tori! You are an inspiration to us all to be true to ourselves and to trust our knowing internal intuition. It’s a trial at times to not be what others expect us to be. A journey to find and redeem our true self. Many Blessings this season. You are not alone when there are so many of us on the other side of the computer screen that look forward to You and your Words.

  • Ingrid

    Wishing you all the best: unconditional love!!

  • Duane

    So inspirational. Your authenticity is why I love you so much. Looking forward to the new year’s journey with you. I too left some friends who chose to judge my choice of journey this year. And while I’m not where I wanted to be in on my path, I’m still on it. Thanks for who you are. Blessings.

  • Amy

    Thank you for this. I have been having similar inner dialogue. May you have a Christmas of your choice and much love in your New Year.

  • Dave Dew

    That was a powerful set of self-affirming writing Tori! Blessings as you move forward into your new space and may your pets snuggle back, (that’s why we love’em!). Have a Merry Christmas holiday!

  • Elaine

    Thank you. This blog post reminded me of what I need to do now in my own life;furthermore, it gave examples of how to handle similar individuals who have discouraged me or who have gotten angry at any attempts to help them. Being alone for the holiday season does not seem so bad now.

    I’ll be writing, organizing my home, and enjoying Hallmark movies in front of the fire this season with a much lighter heart (and a foot of snow on my doorstep).

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the snowy state of Minnesota!

  • Demeka

    Good for you Tori!!! I too have done the same.

  • Ashley

    Love this!! Hope you have an amazing birthday on Monday and an even better year ahead. I look forward to seeing everything you come out with in the year to come.
    Take care and thanks it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way about people at times lol.

  • Heather

    All the best to you dear Tori.

    I really love your written word.

    I am off to the Yukon tomorrow for the holidays. My husband and I are going to hang out with our youngest daughter and her french husband.
    When we come back to Ottawa in the New Year it will be time for us to find our home.
    We have been house sitting and travelling for almost two years now. It is time to make new roots.

    I look forward to reading your work!

  • Lisa Anderson

    Tori, this really hit me where I live. Thank you for sharing! And I too am excited about the “Toolkit” journey we will be experiencing with you. Happy Holidays!

    Lisa Anderson

  • Laura

    Ok, I literally took a break from cleaning out my closet collection of papers and memorabilia to read this. Letters from friends of the past who have passed by body through death and spirit because we no longer connect. As a “nice” person or empath it is so easy to stay in unhealthy friendships. Truth spoken that we each must embrace being content and at peace being alone. I too, will take your advice and spend time with those that value me for me in 2017 and give back emotionally. Thanks for this, Tori! Blessings to you!!

  • Ana

    Tori, that was a beautiful sharing and very straight like your personality. I feel you and somehow relate to this moment in your life. You will be in solitude these holidays, so it seems, but not by any chance alone because contrary to some people that did not acknowledged your contributions/teachings, you have already helped a lot of people in the world and that do value your teachings and experiences. They are with you now, like me, sending you love and wishing you a very cosy season.
    By the way, I love your humor and simplicity, you know how to be you 😉 .
    Greetings from Portugal.

    • Tori Hartman

      Ana –
      What a lovely reply. And so appreciated.
      Much Love to you!


    • Stefani Ross

      Portugal…… wow Yes, it’s amazing how Tori contributes to unifying all humanity… just by sharing herself.

  • Heather

    All the best to you dear Tori. I really love your written word.

    I am off to the Yukon tomorrow for the holidays. My husband and I are going to hang out with our youngest daughter and her husband.
    When we come back to Ottawa in the New Year it will be time to find our home.
    We have been travelling and house sitting for almost two years now, it is time to put down some roots.

    I am looking forward to your “new book”.


    Heather C. Hibberd

  • Gloria Constantin

    Tori, you are a breath of fresh air. A woman who is not afraid to speak her truth and live her life according to that truth is rare. There are those who are called to change that. You can role model it, you can teach it, you can write it…as I see it, you are definitely doing your part. Thank you for that.

    Happy Holidays,

  • Dee

    Happy Birthday, Tori. May you be blessed with every grace there is under the Sun and the Moon, throughout the Earth and The Heavens…even until the end of the Universe…of which we know there is no real end…

    Thank you for sharing this awesome post, Tori. I too very much resonated with it.

    This past year has been a year of endings for myself too in many different ways. Most importantly, the ending of the “nice” girl for becoming the “authentic woman” instead. It hasn’t been an easy transition and I expect it to continue since my first 50 years of life was spent being the former. Having turned 50 the middle of this past November, I’m expecting whatever time I have left here in the Earth Realm to help me accomplish that authenticity. So far, it has meant letting go of many family members, so-called friends and becoming comfortable with simply having “acquaintences” or fellow-humans-in-passing.

    Learning to be with myself in solitude is challenging at times, but given the alternative, I’m finding a real home within myself and learning that I am really not alone in essence. Something greater is with me, sustaining me, leading me. I’m learning to be open to that and follow this “new” path.

    Bless you upon your journey of writing and more…

    Peace, light and love always.

    • Tori Hartman

      Lovely words Dee…

  • Bev

    You know Tori, I truly admire and respect you. I don’t know you only through a couple of brief conversations but you always speak what hits home for me. I understand completely where you are coming from, I have a sock drawer to be cleaned as well. I’ve started but I am not finished.
    I wish you a cozy cuddly Christmas with your fur babies and movies.
    Sounds like a perfect day to me.
    Warmest Wishes

  • Nivyana

    Tori, I love you. Thank you.

  • Pamela Muir

    Thank you Tori, I have really enjoyed reading your article but more than this, I am so relieved to find that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Over recent years I have found a pattern in making new friends, which appear to be great fun to begin with but over time the other person will start to put me down, laugh at my opinions, talk incessantly about their “problems” etc and I feel exhausted by these friendships. Now I don’t care to have these friendships, I’m a straight shooter like yourself and don’t have time for the “waffle”. I have 3 very good friends, unfortunately they live too far away, and one best friend – ME! We love learning new things like the Chakra Wisdom Oracle Deck, and other similar modalities, going out for coffee, walking the dog etc and life is less stressful. It will be a quiet Xmas here but a happy and peaceful one, I wish the same for you!



  • April Nelson

    Your words have helped clear out some residual fears I had recently, since I fired some so called friends, I was afraid to move forward after feeling guilty for standing up for myself. I think we all have to find where and what our most prefect boundaries every now and then. We are all, afterall, constantly changing, so it makes a lot of sense. I like the saying about cleaning out a drawer.

  • Beth

    I’m like everyone else posting – this really resonated with me. I’ve forwarded it to friends who need to hear what it is says, and I’m trusting that they will read it because I have asked. Also, as a person who adores Asheville, you might want to add The Folk Art Center (at Milepost 382 on the Blue Ridge Parkway) to your list of places to visit during the holidays. The Qualla Arts and Crafts Mutual in Cherokee is also wonderful. It’s across the street from The Museum of the Cherokee Indian. Wishing you a very happy birthday and looking forward to the club meeting on Dec 22.

    • Tori Hartman

      Hi Beth!
      OMG! That is on my list. GREAT idea for this time of year…:)

      Merry Christmas.


  • Stephanie

    Thank you for your honesty, Tori. It is so refreshing to hear the truth, and not someone trying to be politically correct. I can definitely relate to how you feel. It is good to know that I am not the only one who has experienced this in their life. You are not alone. My blessings go out to you. You have many friends who you are helping. I don’t know why some people feel threatened by us. Guess that is something that they need to figure out. Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

  • Kathy

    You have so much wisdom and whatever form you share it in will I will look forward to reading. Fiction or nonfiction, it will be wise and healing. Thank you for all you have share with me. Have a blessed holiday.

  • Lisa

    Hi Tori … I have both the cards & the book! One of my 2017 goals is to use the cards and work through the book weekly.
    Thank you for being you
    Wishing you a very Merry Christmas & a Happy 2017.

    Kind regards

    • Tori Hartman

      Lisa –
      We’ll be doing the weekly path of the Toolkit in the club!
      Have a very Merry Christmas.



  • Phyllis CHAMBERS

    Thank you so much Tori for Sharing this valuable and wonderful knowledge we all must, I must learn from and practice if it so happens to be the need, you surely made me rethink lots as I have had various experiences with the same issues, if not publishing books simply taking classes or my opinions. Enjoy and embrace as I plan to your Holidays and be Happy! Thanks again for your fabulous wisdom, I love it.

  • Elaine

    Tori this resonated with me completely going through a situation like this with a woman I volunteered for. I’m sad that it is over but no our way of thinking means we just clash. I have found my trust in this person is gone and have decided best for us to stay apart.
    The lesson I have learned in life is people wear masks and it can take time to see underneath it. Depending what you find depends on if you remain friends or not.

    Tori follow your hearts calling and Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year all the best for 2017.

    One more thing I do is agree with them verbally then do what you were going to do anyway it’s all down to our conditional training.

  • Clare McKeown

    Hi Tori,
    I literally felt like I was being given permission by you in that article to make the choices I’ve made recently with friends, so thank you for that! I find as I work more with myself and my patterns, that I’m learning to say no to others and yes to me because for sooooooo long I have suffered with the guilt/shame of god forbid having ‘needs and feelings’. But hearing you say you too have let people go because it was better for you and your wellbeing just makes me feel better about my choices, so good for you Tori!!
    Clare, UK x

  • Sheila Englehart

    You are not the only lightworker feeling isolated. I and a couple colleagues are feeling the same. We do our best work for the world sprinkled along the perimeter like fence posts. Together we hold space, can’t get close to another, even of like mind. I hope it will shift at some point, but until then, we soldier on, warriors in the light.

    Go forward with your fiction, fair scribe! I did. I didn’t achieve great financial success, but you may. Writers will get you. Find a supportive critique group. Should be easy in Asheville. Many blessings.

  • leena

    Hi Tori,
    Many thx for sharings your inner and deep feelings with us all.I admire people who has the courage to tell others about their sufferings and deep feelings and who are hiding themselves from others. By doing so,you not only help yourself but also those readings as I’m sure we all identify ourselves in similar situation and not all of us has the gut to stand and clarify and express ourselves.BRAVO for that.
    I’m seizing this opportunity to wish you a wonderful birthday and hope your *writer * wish come true,in my opinion you will write beautifully and sincerely and no sugar coated books.GO FOR IT TORI.Recently I was telling myself that its been a long time I haven’t see you on YOUTUBE as Im a subscriber,I was even wondering why???and I was happy to read your blog and hear about you.please keep doing your Sunday reading,I like to listen to you,I like to see your sparkling eyes when you talk about the chakra wisdom are both a sparkling and candid lady and yet so to the point.Bzw I have both your chakra wisdom toolkit and oracle cards and it was my very first Oracle cards.I really like the cards,they are both whimsy and direct,no complicated picture to guess.I like the fables associated…. Its very accurate and nice to work with…
    Warm regards

  • judy

    Such a timely post, Tori. I’m also being forced to re-evaluate the people in my life right now and this helps me so much. Thank you for your honesty and all that you do in the world. Wishing you and your precious pups a wonderful holiday season and a blessed 2017. Love from NYC xox

  • Mary Brooks

    Beautiful post! I could not agree more. I have a lot of health issues myself, and it has changed me as a person. It opened my eyes to those in my life who really were toxic for me. It’s been difficult, but I have had to end those relationships. One of them that I ended particularly still hurts every year. She was a sister to me for 2 decades, I spent every Christmas with her so I feel it quite a bit around this time of year. I will always love her and it hurts, but I had to do what I had to do. And I’m going through something similar with another friend right now too. I love this paragraph….”Being grown up means taking responsibility, it does not mean tolerating what I no longer vibe with or trying to change people who, for whatever reason only see me as the bad guy.” I relate to that, it’s my energy that changed and not theirs, but I can no longer tolerate it in my life or having them berate and abuse me because it’s “just how they are”. I also will be spending Christmas alone, maybe at the movies, and with my dog.

  • Miriam

    Tori, I value your writing and appreciate you sharing your gifts with me. I wish you blessing and love and a awesome birthday and to truly see your value and gifts.

  • Robin

    Wow, your timing (and words) could not be better. Your story and experiences very much overlap my own. You obviously have a talent for writing because your words go straight to the heart of what I myself have been feeling about a certain failed friendship but not able to express quite so clearly. Emotions scramble up our words sometimes and This spelled out how I felt also. Now maybe you can share some thoughts on ways to stop all the “ruminating” about it. I pulled the plug but the drain is a bit blocked. Peace! Enjoy your quiet-time. Blessings.

    • Tori Hartman

      Great idea Robin! Thank you. xTori

  • Dee

    Wow, thank you so much for this article, I cleaned out the friendship drawer two years ago for much the same reasons, and yet at times feel guilty for taking care of myself. So your article really spoke to me. Sometimes taking care of me is tough, but it is important to be around supportive people.

  • Amanda

    Bless your path. Seriously this is what so many people needed to read as in im on the same type of journey. Daily, i question why is this or that happening and eventually i start seeing answer’s although some are still in question. Like y is life acting like this, happy bday and holiday. Yesterday was soooo emotional for me for some reason.. at church we celebrated a couple who got divorced and remarried and everyone was happy for them… than a fun xmas dance…. than a old gentlemen fell and i ran and got the pastor for a prayer blessing because i almost seen death on him…. that hung with me for hours of how life can experience love joy and can all be taken. Very emotional. Confused though.

  • Shawna

    Happy Birthday Tori! Wishing you all the best for 2017.

  • Annie

    Thanks! Merry Christmas Tori!

  • Sheena King

    Just wanted to wish you a Happy Christmas. Thank you for this article-it made me take stock and really think about who and what really matters in my life. Great writing too 🙂

  • Gabriela

    Happy birthday Tory

  • Jo

    Tori, I hope you had a lovely birthday. I wont write all the ways your sharing speaks to me, to so many of us thankfully. But i want you to feel my love and resonance xx

  • Maria Adams

    Hi Tori – Sending you lots of love from nearby Charlotte! Your story is mine – although I had to painfully put distance with my parents and siblings (over religion). It’s so hard to make the choice of embracing our own happiness or handing it over hostage to someone else. But the choice is made for personal happiness, the feeling is indescribable! May you have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your Hallmark movies (my secret indulgence.)

  • Elaine

    I have read this a few times now and each time it resonates more and more. I sometimes wondered if I was the only person who thought like this and if so, was there something wrong with me? How could I want to cut ties with people I had been friends with for many years? Learning to accept that people do change and that you no longer walk the same path is not easy. But it’s like that old saying, to paraphrase, if you don’t like something, change what you can, accept what you can’t change and hope the Universe gives you the knowledge to know which is which!
    Many thanks for this piece, Tori

  • Diana

    I’m an old pro at spending the holidays alone, cat lady spinster I am. 😉

    Buy yourself some nice gifts (especially if they are related to your writing), wrap them up and put them under your tree. On Christmas, cook a nice dinner, get dolled up and embrace your solitary holiday. Gleefully unwrap your presents to yourself, and for good measure, exclaim with each one, “Oh, just what I wanted! How did I know?”

    I usually watch upbeat movies that make me smile: A Christmas Story is MANDATORY, but weird as this may sound, I have gotten into a habit of watching Harold and Maude and Auntie Mame with Rosalind Russell (both with messages about embracing life and living it fully.)

    It may take a little practice, but I don’t even get the holiday blues anymore. Really.

  • Jeannette Santiago

    This hit dead on. So many so called friends that I knew before I moved to another state because of my husband’s job. If I don’t call them they never do. Make excuses and have changed. This is exactly what I needed to read today. I will leave those negative people behind and begin enjoying my new life where I am now. Thank you so much. It put a smile on my face. Good luck in your new place. Happy holidays and many blessings this coming year.

  • Kate

    Just wanted to say hello and let you know you are loved. I am so glad you are able to speak your truth and take care of yourself. I look forward to working to with you this year. BTW, hope you’re still considering having students work with you in person for a session. Wishing you love, laughter, good health and prosperity in this year.

    Light and peace, K888

    • Tori Hartman

      Thanks Kate!!
      Yes. Thank you. thank you. I will still do one on one sessions!
      And remember it’s 50% off one day a month for club members.



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